Hey Reader,
How would you answer the question, "How drunk is too drunk?"
I often see teachers try to handle conversations about substance use and sex by either: (1) avoiding the subject, (2) telling their students not to drink/do drugs and have sex, or (3) drawing some line (regarding type of substance, amount of substance, consciousness of people, behavior of people, relationship history, etc.) that they believe will keep everyone safe.
But here's the thing:
(1) Avoiding the subject teaches students nothing. Please don't do this. If you don't feel prepared to answer this question, remember this email, and when in doubt tell them that's a good question and you'll get back to them. Then, seek support and get back to them!
(2) Many students, if not all, have consumed media in which characters are portrayed as having a great time while hooking up under the influence. Some students even have firsthand experiences that oppose this dogma. They'll tell you about the incredible time they had hooking up with their partner while intoxicated. Now you're in a position where you either need to get flexible on the "okayness" of drinking and having sex or tell them that their fun and joyful experience was wrong.
I know you mean well and telling students that someone can't consent if they've been drinking will position you as an out-of-touch adult who can't be trusted as a resource for these kinds of questions.
(3) While certainly the best option, drawing a line reinforces the idea that there is a set of rules for consent that you can apply across the board. Most legal definitions of sexual consent note the importance of capacity but often fail to model what this ‘looks like’ in a tangible sense. This means that the line you draw probably isn't reflective of the law.
My guess is that, instead, the draw you draw for your students is based on your thoughtful and critical thinking about specific details or scenarios they bring up and maybe even some of your own past experiences.
This kind of critical thinking is what we need. But, different.
Instead of telling teens where the line is based on your thoughtful and critical thinking, we ought to be teaching teens how to understand where the line is for themselves, and for others, based on their own thoughtful and critical thinking.
Yes, context matters. Yes, type of substance, amount of substance, consciousness of people, behavior of people, relationship history, individual preferences, etc. all matter.
However there's no way to review every combination of factors they can possibly encounter and even if there was, it's valid for their priorities and values to be different from ours. As adults, we often think we know The Answer™, but sometimes we don't. And sometimes there are multiple "right" answers.
It's time to engage students in discussion about substance use, sex, and consent. Learn where your students are, build their critical thinking and decision-making skills, and support them with information and mindset shifts along the way.
The next time a student asks about substance use and consent, consider:
1. Where is this question coming from?
- What’s bringing this student to ask this question?
- What do they already know (or think they know)? How do they “know” what they “know”?
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Are they reckoning with a past incident?
- Are they wondering if what happened violated policy or law?
- Are they wondering if what they did was ethically ok?
- Are they wondering if it’s valid for them to feel hurt, violated, or betrayed?
Sometimes this question comes up because of intellectual curiosity about the future. Sometimes, though, it comes up as a bid for emotional support after a troubling experience.
If you are sensing that it's more about the latter, pause. Focus on supporting them and getting them the help they need.
2. Telling them what to do won't work.
Just like telling students to abstain from sex won't keep students from having sex, telling students to abstain from sex while drinking won't keep them from having sex while drinking.
Instead of insisting that students comply with this standard (which many adults in their lives don’t even necessarily hold themselves to), we're going to help students make risk-aware choices.
Again, we lose our credibility as a resource when we tell students that hooking up while under the influence is never ok. Please don’t do this.
3. There's a difference between legal and ethical.
Often students are looking for a clear rule they can follow to make sure they aren’t caught doing something wrong.
But laws differ from state to state and country to country. On top of this, remember that most legal definitions of sexual consent don't actually describe what capacity" means in a useful way. There's a lot of subjectivity regarding how people understand and interpret this concept.
While we can't necessarily define capacity, we can share what the law does says, bring attention to how lawyers (if it comes to that) construct stories, and prompt critical thinking about what actually helps support people’s autonomy, agency, and rights.
4. Drinking increases risk.
Sexual activity comes with risks. When students decide to pursue or initiate sexual activity after consuming alcohol, the choice carries even more risk.
Consuming alcohol impacts the brain and body (lowered inhibitions, delayed reaction time, increased blood pressure, etc.).
A person’s capacity to think critically and behave with consideration decreases. Their ability to communicate (verbally and non-verbally) is also impacted.
Help students make risk-aware decisions through discussion about:
- The adolescent brain vs. the adult brain
- How various substances impact the brain and behavior
- Factors that increase risk
- Factors that decrease risk
5. What could go wrong? (And right?)
Discuss what’s more likely to happen and what’s less likely to happen when hooking up under the influence.
How can alcohol impact proper use of protection, reading of body language, exhibiting of body language, sexual skills, connectedness, regret, etc.?
And include discussion about the possible benefits of pursuing sexual activity while intoxicated.
Hear me out.
Heterosexual women report using alcohol to lower their inhibitions in service of pursuing the s::x they desire. They may use alcohol as a form of self-preservation -- making them feel ‘‘less of a slut’’ during casual sex. Discuss the nuances of realities like these.
It can also be valuable to quote qualitative research, bringing in the experiences of actual college students.
6. Safety/ risk-reduction measures
Analogy: Driving is risky. That’s why I wear a seatbelt, use my mirrors, and bring my car to the auto shop for regular tune-ups. Doing these things decreases the chance of something going wrong.
Hooking up under the influence is risky. What can a person do to decrease the chances of something going wrong AND increase the chances of things going right?
Give space for students to come up with their own suggestions. These might include:
- Discussing the choice while sober
- Discussing the use of a safe word
- Only drinking X amount of drinks
- Knowing the impacts of alcohol and other substances on the brain
- Checking in more during the activity
THERE ARE SO MANY
7. What are their limits?
It can be hard to draw hard rules about drinking and sex that apply across the board. Risk tolerance varies from person to person and situation to situation.
Alex Honnold climbed a 900-meter rock wall without safety gear. That’s a risk I wouldn’t take, but I’m not him!
Discuss how personal comfort levels (risk tolerance) may change depending on:
- Familiarity (Is this person new to me? Is this activity new to me? Is this substance new to us?)How are they behaving/How am I behaving?
- What has been consumed? How much has been consumed?
- What power dynamics are at play -- interpersonal and environmental?
Talk to students about hard limits, too. What is never ok and why. Thankfully, in my experience, there's unanimous agreement about forced intoxication and non-responsiveness (overwhelmingly, law supports this, too). Those are the hard lines we draw together.
8. We regularly make decisions about capacity.
More analogy: Driving a car comes with risk. Driving while tired (or while angry) increases the risks.
If you drive, you’ve probably made calculations regarding your mental capacity and how safe it is to be on the road. You have probably considered factors like:
- Time of day, weather, kind of road
- Have I driven this car before?
- How many years have I been driving for?
- How long is the drive?
- Who else might I be putting at risk?
There's no checklist. Rather, there are questions to help students understand the connection between capacity, context, and decision-making.
9. Repair
If you’re going to pursue sexual activity when you’ve been drinking, they’ve been drinking, or you’ve both been drinking, be prepared to get it wrong and be ready to acknowledge your role in the harm (your choices and your power) and be accountable.
Talk to students about how to handle situations where:
- You notice something didn’t go well for you.
- They tell you something didn’t go well for them.
- You suspect something didn’t go well for them.
Review what to consider in these moments, what to say/do, and what not to say/do.
Of course you have the urge to answer all of their questions and draw clear lines that err on the side of caution. But remember what will be most valuable for your students.
What would you add to this list? Reply to this email to share!
If you're looking for more support, reach out.
I offer 1:1 consultations, workshops, and professional development sessions. Let's chat about what you're looking for.
With care,
Sarah
What People Are Saying...
“Not only do I feel like working with Sarah was useful, I think the language that she left us with will be super helpful in how we shape our curriculum, policies, and behaviors in the future. Sarah is knowledgeable, thoughtful, and well-practiced. I enjoyed her being on campus and hope to work alongside Sarah to shift culture in the future.”
- Brandon Thomas, Health Instructor, Philips Exeter Academy
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What makes Comprehensive Consent different?
Rather than focusing on the legal definition of consent, students in our classrooms learn to grapple with the complexities of meaningful choice and develop the skills and competencies required for navigating sexual and other interpersonal situations, thoughtfully and ethically. Our evidence-informed approach means workshops are interactive and engaging.
Together we can help students practice consent when the stakes are low so they're prepared when the stakes are high.
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